I
can't tell you how thrilled I was to learn one of my boyhood heroes --
seven-time Mr. Olympia, five-time Mr. Universe, living
tissue-over-a-microprocessor-controlled-hyperalloy-combat chassis former
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger -- was available and willing to serve as master of ceremonies for this year's yulmemix.
I
don't like to brag, but Arnold and I have been friends for years, ever
since he brought me in to do an emergency script polish on his 2001
action thriller Collateral Damage. NOW IT CAN BE TOLD.
Look, I don't need you to tell me that Collateral Damage, as released, is no Predator, or even -- let's be honest -- Raw Deal. All I can tell you is you should've seen the Ambien-shooter of a script they were going to make before I got there. It would've made Terrence Malick's The Tree of Life seem like, I dunno, Taylor Hackford's Proof of Life. (Full disclosure: I have never actually watched a film in its entirety that did not star Arnold Schwarzenegger.)
Anyway,
Schwarz -- that's what his good friends call him -- and I got to be
very close. We used to tease one another: "How much did you squat this
morning?" And the answer was always, "How much did you squat?"
Invariably the other person would reply, "I asked you first!" And then
we'd both be like, "Let's both say it at the same time -- JINX!" And
then we'd laugh until we wept.
I
have fond memories of those long, languid Sunday afternoons when we'd
ride our Harleys up the Pacific Coast Highway to Neptune's Net.
Sometimes just for a laugh Schwarz would strip naked in the parking lot,
then saunter into the bar, face down the 200-odd bikers inside, and
announce, "I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle." And
these tatted-up lifers would just be trampling one another to
give him the keys to their hogs. I swear that Schwarz could never get
one of these guys to fight him. He used to get really frustrated by
that. I'd do my best to cheer him up: "Hey Schwarz, don't let it get you
down man, you were Mr. Olympia for like 15 years. And we'll always have
Collateral Damage." Except we didn't, really, not in the end. Hey, Andrew Davis had made The Fugitive. How were we supposed to know he would phone this one in?
But I digress. Schwarz was a big part of the success of my 2007 yulemix, Santa's Got a Big Old Bagge,
so I was thrilled to offer him an expanded role here. The Austrian Oak
favors us with his recollections and musings on success throughout the
album. In celebration of his return, I have reprised a handful of songs
from five years ago, but they only add up to about 11 minutes out of
130. When Rhett Miller very gamely agreed to sit for an interview about writing Christmas songs, how I could not play "Here It Is, Christmastime," the Old 97's (sic) yulejam that I first used upon its release in 2007?
Side B
